The Psychic Component

Captain Gawer’s starship was already the third one on the old Lega—Alsaph route that lost communication with the Center. That was all the more weird as the route was a standard one and had already become like a country road. Even practicing cadets were allowed to fly there. Nevertheless, the Chief Coordinator had to admit that the third ship had already disappeared since the month began
. It started just about the time when a weak supernova flash was registered near the route. However, all the calculations and readings stated that it was still sufficiently remote to affect the passing ships in any way. The Chief Coordinator Colonel Russ didn’t sleep for two days, mentally combing the route step by step from the starting to the finishing point keeping in mind all the space, speed and time distortion corrections. The main computer gave out insignificant disturbances close to the norm along the route. In its opinion, there were no reasons for the disappearance of the ship.
“I should stop thinking in a standard way,” Colonel decided. “The reason must be somewhere else. But where?” Suddenly, he remembered one trainee’s thesis written two years ago. It produced a strong impression on him then and made him think about issues that were not a discussion topic in his profession. The newly qualified young professional in the field of psychology and cosmogony argued quite convincingly that a combination of several physical values, namely: a certain angle of a space bend, speed above the speed of light, and more than a standard duration of time spent at a specific point, caused a certain phenomenon that he called “a psychic component” basing himself on a lot of facts and figures.
The essence of the phenomenon consisted in entering a different reality for some time. Everyone who experienced that phenomenon and made it back had had an interaction with a higher power, or powers. Sometimes it occurred in the form of an exam, sometimes in the form of an aid, and sometimes as a punishment. Its duration was different, not everybody returned. Often empty ships led by an autopilot were found, and sometimes only a part of the crew would be in. But if a person returned he would always be spiritually enriched and grateful for what happened to him. Everything else that people told upon coming back varied a lot. Someone imagined one’s past seeing his life repeated, another would talk about adventures on a different planet, yet others would be haunted by horrors; a little boy, the son of a crew member, said that he was talking to a kind old man with long white hair who told him fairytales all the time.
Colonel Russ went to the host computer, entered the Higher Space School library through the common system, found the folder with research works and got “A Psychic Component” thesis in the catalog. He found the physical parameters of the component on Page 10, downloaded those facts and figures on the route, giving the computer the task to search for the route section matching the parameters. The computer found it...
Following the outbreak of the supernova, a new point appeared on the trajectory. All the lost three ships passed through it.
It matched all the parameters specified by the cadet.
Starship Captain Gawer switched a panoramic screen on. Ahead and to the right of the board, the bluish new star was shimmering. His crew was resting, and the autopilot led the ship on the standard route. There was an hour left before the communication session with Alsaph, and the commander, having checked all the control and life support systems, went to the rest and psychological relief chamber. He put the audio and olfactory Forest Rain hologram on and plunged deep in thought.
Starship Captain, Lieutenant Colonel Gawer, flew on the most difficult and dangerous routes for years. His colleagues respected him for his courage, his resourcefulness in difficult situations, for his exactingness not only to subordinates, but mostly to himself. All wanted to fly with him, as he was reliable in flight and there was always something to learn. The route he was flying now was optional. The captain chose it because it had been long since he wanted to see his old friend Slen, whom he began to fly on “Blue Arrow” with.
They were still Higher Space School cadets then. Slen retired long since and settled with his family at Alsaph that reminded him of the Earth in its best times. In addition, Captain Gawer was hoping to relax for a couple of weeks on that blue-pink planet and to restore the peace of his mind.
The captain did not quite understand what was happening to him. It seemed that he managed to achieve everything he wanted in his life. He was healthy, though no longer young. He enjoyed working on difficult routes. As a future prospect, he was invited for a teaching job in a Higher Space School. He enjoyed a good reputation among his colleagues and students. The captain always found care and understanding in his family. He and his wife were able to keep the feelings, the warmth and the sincerity in spite of many years that they lived together. Their adult son flew spaceships to distant points of the galaxy on his own already for several years, and their daughter, a space psychologist, presented them with a granddaughter. All turned out well in Captain’s life in the long run, though there had also been setbacks, disappointments, problems, conflicts, hard times, losses of near and dear, fear and even despair. Looking back, Captain Gawer realized that he was able to find and to keep the most important things in life: work, friends, love, and family only because of the single correct solution that he discovered. It was suitable for all the difficult situations.
The captain was able to choose the most important by listening to his heart. Sometimes, the choice was between his own interests and preferences, but more often, he had to navigate in a mad whirlwind of thoughts, passions and actions of the others. In the High School he learned to save on eat and sleep in order to learn as many as possible related disciplines. Following the example of his father, he would take the most difficult and painful upon himself and bear it without complaining. He always tried to find the strength to hear the near and dear out, when, exhausted after a hard journey, he only wanted to lie down and to see no one. He learned to live by his children's interests, although he would like to go out to play pool and have a beer with friends. He tried to be fair, when he wanted to be simply right, be strong when uncertainty and weakness crept into his heart. He was trying to understand when he felt like hating. Captain Gawer was capable of love and compassion. Once upon a time, back in his student years, he, his future wife Margaret, and Slen were sitting in a cafe. Then they came up with a funny idea: to divide the sky into the spheres of influence and, naming them after themselves, to joke about the Realm of Margaret, the Kingdom of Slen and so on. However, while laughing and discussing that kingdom topic for fun, they came to the conclusion that if anything at all may belong to you on Earth, it could be only something that you are ready to sacrifice yourself, or rather your selfishness, for. No, not to sacrifice something once, and not always your life, but every day, and more simple things: sleep, health, long-awaited vacations, desires, illusions. Only something that you could refuse, that you didn’t need, or that you didn’t depend on could belong to you. And only love can open those doors because it is always ready to give. Not something that you could not let go belongs to you, but you belong to it. Only by letting something go, you can get something in return. Probably not from the person you gave it to, or not from something you invested it in, but all that you give - is yours. You will only own something that you let go of for the sake of your soul. All that you have was earned by you. All that you don’t have, is what you depend on. You cannot sell your soul for the wish to possess, but you can give it away for your near and dear, and then God will give you his soul.
Everything that the captain did for the others came back to him hundredfold. He would have been pleased with his life, if only it were not for the resentment towards his father that had not pass with years and was still tormenting the captain with the impotence to put a full stop to it. The question that he tried to drive away all the time kept coming back to him like a refrain: Does the captain know himself? Does he understand what he wants?
Now, sitting in a comfortable chair, listening to the rustling leaves and falling rain, he again felt a slight anxiety and discomfort with a sinking feeling in his stomach which didn’t leave him in recent years. He was struggling to find the cause within himself, but would face the same sensation, which, as it seemed, was destroying him. It was hate mixed with resentment to one of the closest to him people: his father, whose assessments he trusted and tried to equal. That courageous man, a pioneer of galaxies, who taught him to walk and to fly, died of a stroke ten years ago without asking his son whom he had hurt for forgiveness.
During one flight, Captain Gawer, still a beginner then, happened to be a difficult situation where he was forced to take a unilateral decision contradicting all the main guidelines in order to save the lives of his crew. On Earth, at a meeting of the Board of Coordinators that included his father the opinions divided: two members believed that considering the circumstances, the decision had been risky, but the right one. The two others felt that if the captain were not so young and fervent, then he would have applied the already known option, thus avoiding the risk of losing the crew lives and the expensive vehicle, although they said nothing that two of the crew members would have certainly died in that case. The fifth coordinator accused him of irresponsibility, cowardice and incompetence. It was his father. Captain Gawer was suspended from flying for a year, but after eight months the Board of Coordinators got the records of “Dawn” on-board computer’s black disk. After decoding it became clear that Captain Gawer’s decision was the only correct one. In addition, it was so unconventional, new and clever, that it was later included in all the annals of cadets’ textbooks and termed Gawer’s Loop. But those eight months cost a lot to the captain. The captain who was respecting and idolizing his father, trusting his estimates and experience, lost faith in himself, and in a few months came to the point of despair. He did not want to live, because he couldn’t imagine living without the starry sky and the flights into the unknown. If it were not for Margaret’s support, who could know where he would end up? All those months she kept telling him that even the most intelligent and experienced could make mistakes, and that he should trust and believe in himself, since it was him, and not the Board of Coordinators that was actually there, and therefore he knew better what had in fact happened. And even if he were wrong, he still saved the lives of the crew, and that was the most important. And that she loved him and trusted him, and she didn’t give a damn about all the rest, and that she needed him, and that everything would be fine.
Margaret was right. After the six months of the silent rejection of his former buddies, Captain Gawer realized that he had nothing to blame himself for, that the only person who did not make mistakes was the one who did nothing, that we lived and learned, and that sooner or later he would fly again. So when eight months later he was summoned by the Chief Coordinator who praised him, gave him a reward, and commissioned him with leading a new spaceship that would normally be entrusted to a much more senior officer, Captain Gawer listened to him calmly and with dignity. He was grateful to the fate for the lesson. Since then, he was equally indifferent to slander and to praise, looking only inward. His father withdrew and almost disappeared from his life, never speaking to his son about that episode, leaving him with aching pain and bewilderment. The captain never lost the faith in himself again, but the poisoned arrow shot at him by one of the most important and closest persons in his life took its toll. The captain never managed to resolve the question: could there be rottenness inside of him? Maybe his father was right and, someday, he would chicken out and destroy the ship? After all, his father always saw right through him in his childhood…
Raindrops continued to gently tap; the smell of wet, fallen leaves and mushrooms penetrated every cell of the captain. Having glanced at his watch, he decided that it had been enough: twenty minutes remained till the communication session with Alsaph. He turned off the hologram and resolutely stood up. However, it seemed to him that he had pressed a wrong button: a children's room in the old house where he was born appeared. A girl in a blue dress with long chestnut hair neatly parted in the middle sat at the grandfather's chair. She looked like Lisa whom he was in love with in his early years. An elderly man whose face he could not make out stood with his back to him looking out the window. Captain Gawer did not remember such a hologram, so he decided that it must have been a technical failure and tried to switch the picture. The girl laughed cheerfully and said that she was not going to stay long, so there was no need to worry. She came there on a mission, and brought him a visitor who wanted to see the captain since long, and had been asking about it for a long time. Captain Gawer was about to ask her how she had gotten into the ship, but the question froze on his lips, because he recognized his father in the man who had turned around.
The girl who looked like Lisa said that they had enough time. Meanwhile, she would go to the grandmother’s kitchen to have a tea with pancakes and “paradise apples” jam. Indeed, he could see the grandma busying herself next to the cooker through an open door, and a marvelous smell of pancakes with herring, red caviar and jam was seeping through. The granddad was sitting in a chair reading a newspaper. The captain felt like a little boy once again, and was overwhelmed with the feeling of gratitude and love for the elderly, who made his childhood so agreeable and warm. The grandma called Lisa to have a tea, and the door closed behind her. Captain Gawer was left alone with his father, who anxiously stared at him. “I haven’t got much time, Victor, therefore I’ll go straight to the point,” his father said. “I have been asking about this opportunity for a very long time, although it is forbidden, and I want you to know that I am very guilty before you and am very glad to see you. Only recently I realized how much I love you. I was torturing myself from the day when I betrayed you at the council. First, for the fear of losing my credibility, I didn’t want anybody to think that I support you because you are my son, and I falsely accused you. And then, because of my own vanity and cowardice I did not admit that I was wrong. I did not want to think that you were suffering. Back then I was thinking that I was the only one who suffered, and, besides, because of your fault. I had a lot of time to think and to change, but I got stuck in selfishness and narcissism, considering myself special, sinless and beyond criticism. At yours, ten years have passed since I left you. All this time there was not a single day that I did not cross myself and regret about what I did and what I did not have time to do. Son, know that for all the pain that you felt, I had the triple of it. I know how you suffered... Forgive me... I thought a lot over during these ten years that passed for you. For me, this time was much longer. Your mother and you were the best in my life. You have been my greatest success. It is a pity that I realized it only here. I was your teacher and the enemy, but I failed to become your friend. Forgive me...”
While his father was talking , Captain Gawer was seeing how the events he spoke about were flashing by in a holographic form. In some incomprehensible for him way, the captain managed not only to see, but also to feel all what the others’ thought and experienced, being aware whose feelings they were and whom they belonged to. He could barely stand the sensation of his father’s deep remorse and love. His heart was breaking. But then he himself appeared with all his grudges, fears, conflicting feelings, hopes and unspoken desires.
The confession made by his father made an enormous impression on Captain Gawer. His resentment and hatred were instantly gone, replaced by the old feelings of love, gratitude, and an even bigger respect towards the man who could defeat his own vices and mistakes. Having overcome his limitations, his father learned to endure, to love, to understand and to forgive. The true strength always looks like a weakness. Captain Gawer had already understood it.
The captain took a step forward, and they embraced. “I've always missed you, Dad. Whatever happened in the past, you gave me the most important lessons in my life, and it was them that made me who I am today. I thank you for everything. Tell me, how to forgive myself? I hated you. And how to understand myself?” —“That's not so difficult, son. To do this you must love yourself as much as you love the others. Why can’t you forgive yourself for something you would have forgiven someone else for: me, Margaret, Slen, your children, colleagues? Are you higher and better than everybody else? Are you without sin? Are you able to live your life without making mistakes? Or is it that one is loved for something? Or maybe you created this world, and you know all about it? You're just a speck in the universe, and you live, as we all are, thanks to its word. And this word is LOVE, and it’s the NAME of your soul. If HIS love comes to an end, then all of us will disappear, those who are right, and those who are to blame. Don’t deny yourself understanding and forgiveness, if the creator has said his word and it's LOVE. Nobody is bad; one can just go a wrong way. Suffering, pain, humiliation, fear, bitterness, despair, all he has done to the others are already following him. What goes round comes round and it is the law no one escapes from. Learn from your mistakes, fix the wrongs you did, and the “ripples” caused by that action. Endure when they come back to you. Relinquish low feelings, and then higher feelings will come. If you do not know how to live — just live. The answer will present itself. Try to listen to yourself; all the answers are inside. He is always beside you and is ready to help. Enjoy life. Each one has infinite possibilities in it. We put the limits for ourselves in our mind, and then they come true. For example: you hear the call that an artist hears, but you brush it away, because what you know about yourself is that you are a high class star-pilot. Do not be afraid to go for it. You cannot even imagine your own potential, thinking you’ve already achieved everything in life and there is nothing else to strive for. He knows your soul better, since it was Him who created it. If you are called and you hear it, then go for it. There, on the road, there is your task, and your reward, and also your happiness” — “How can he hear so many souls at once?” — “Do not think about it; just believe in something if you cannot understand it. This is one of the qualities of the Creator. He created as many souls as it was necessary. Each one has its own role in the universe. Every soul is unique, unlike any other, and must fulfill its task, not somebody else’s. We all need Him, and He is waiting for all of us. Every soul must understand itself, its place in the world and find its way to Him. His voice sounds inside you like a tuning fork, very softly, without hindering each person in making a choice. Some never hear that voice, because the voice of their own vanity, ambition, pride, sounds very loudly, cutting off the true melody of the soul. Listen constantly to yourself, and then you can even hear the words of the song. This is your destiny. The better you manage it, the more self-sufficient, harmonious and happy you will be. Ever newer visions of the world shall keep revealing themselves to you. There is a different vision for each spiritual level. You will keep discovering more possibilities. This way, the way of each person, is amazing, it is filled with wonders and is almost endless for human understanding. Go for it, and don’t turn back on what you hear inside, then your way will be straighter and easier. All detours lead to losses, mistakes, disappointments. A man ends up facing a wall and in order to go further, he will need to turn away from it, that is, to abandon one’s own delusions. Otherwise, he would hammer at it for more than one incarnation. Each of us has hard times, but He is always there. We cannot open the door behind which He stands and knocks by ourselves. Our ambitions, anger, envy “lock” it. But sincerity, humility, understanding, forgiveness, love open it. It is not necessary to make an appointment with Him, to put an application in, to stand and wait for hours in line. He hears you as soon as you are call Him, but people can hear the answer only if they open the door in their hearts. And if you called Him sincerely at least once, then you know that I'm right. Sometimes the aid comes through the people who hear better than you, sometimes through the circumstances, sometimes through one’s own insight, relief, understanding, and sometimes even through a loss, through a deprivation of something that didn’t let you see the most important. Indeed, sometimes it is possible to help only by causing pain. When it happens this way, through a trial, there is always a reward in the end. The man himself knows it and says that if such an event didn’t happen, then he would never have become stronger, wiser, wouldn’t have learned to see so far and to understand so deeply, to empathize so much with the others, to achieve something, and to meet someone. And if a person lost someone dear, with time he understands that each of us has one’s own way, with its beginning and its end. But the soul is immortal, and we shall meet again all those that we loved” “Shall we meet again, father?” “Of course we shall, if both of us want it and need each other. Only in the next life, I may happen to be your son, or perhaps a brother or just a close friend, which I hope very much for if you can forgive me... Now I must go... Remember what I told you about yourself. Do not be afraid to be different from what the others see in you. Only you know who you are...”
His father went to the kitchen door, opened it and went out into the white mist. There was no more kitchen there. A second later, there was no door either. The captain found himself once again in the psychological relief chamber with the hologram remote control in his hands. He looked at his watch. The same twenty minutes remained before communication session with Alsaph central control station. Captain Gawer came out of the psychological relief room and went to the main compartment. In his mind, he was seeing an unusual pattern of a starry sky, a spaceship and a strange human face in an unusual color scheme. The captain did not try to brush the vision away anymore; he knew that he must paint it, and the others, too. The realization of that would require, presumably, some new picture technique. He already knew how to do it. That method would be called “Gawer’s style” later…
The panoramic screen was already on. All the seats except his were occupied. Lieutenant-Colonel Gawer, the starship's captain, gave a sigh of relief. Indeed, he had a great team. Everyone turned around and almost in unison said: “Welcome back, Captain!” “Glad to see you back, too! It would hurt me not to see somebody again. I am very pleased that all of us were able to withstand ‘the psychic component’, and perhaps now we’ll see the starry sky a bit differently.” “That's true,” — Claude replied. “It was not easy. Someone has found out the truth about himself, another has seen himself from outside and has heard what the others think of him. Someone has got the opportunity to correct the errors that were tormenting him. Someone had experienced something that he really wanted, but it happened not to be the right thing, not the most important, and yet another got what he always wished to the others.” — “Yes! We all had a unique chance to understand ourselves and to admit our mistakes,” Elsa said. “But I think this route may soon be closed. It's too dangerous. Not everyone can withstand the truth about oneself. I, for instance, have wished to leave the ship more than once, pretending it was a dream or a delusion, and I was not responsible for what was happening to me”. “I, too, could hardly cope with feelings of contempt for myself, because I have realized that I am not what I used to think about myself,” Brig commented. “I have been feeling bitter, too, although I have experienced some relief when I realized that I am not my bank account, neither my car, nor my connections, my looks, my habits, and not even my job,” Bella uttered slowly. “But I used to know it long time ago, in my childhood. Maybe the search for truth within ourselves should start from the very birth, and we should check our ideals, dreams, feelings and desires with it? Then there won’t be this terrible feeling of life time being wasted?”
“It has been a difficult mission for all of us: a travel into the past, with control questions and challenges", Captain Gawer said. "But after this lesson, we have become stronger because we see the road that we have already walked, and the point where we stopped. Hence, we know where to go next. After all, in order not to go round in circles, we must always know where we are and where we are heading.”
The lights of the connection with Alsaph and the Centre lit up. Having turned the screens on, Captain Gawer saw the worried faces of the Chief Coordinator and a very young cadet in the Alsaph control tower. “Thank God you're alive, Lieutenant-Colonel! We are so happy. You were out of contact for three days,”the youth’s voice rang out, and then he stopped short on seeing the Centre call and the face the Chief Coordinator on the ship’s screen. The cadet turned red in the face. But Colonel Russ smiled and said: “Well, nobody is as glad as I am!” Everyone laughed then... After the emotional relief the Chief Coordinator asked the ship's Captain Lieutenant Colonel Gawer to report about the circumstances of the black-out in communication and the crew losses. Captain Gawer replied to that that they started the communication session in the appointed time, that they had not noticed a three days gap, that there were no losses, and that he would submit a proper written report about all that. “You and your team are the last who are flying on this route”, the Chief Coordinator said. “We are closing it down. You will go home via Agheera” — “Roger, go home via Agheera,” the captain replied and the connection ended.
For the first time in recent years Captain’s heart felt so light. Two weeks on Alsaph with his old friend Slen and paintings that were asking to get out on the canvas were ahead of him. Slen will understand everything, he will not interfere. Once again, the captain felt young, full of energy and happy!
Fifty years later Lega — Alsaph route was reopened. Passenger ships carrying people who knew about the dangerous feature of that route, and still wanted to know where they were on the road and where they were going, started flying on it. I understand them. Do you?
Marina Luch. 09-00-06-03
nakovkina@mail.ru